It’s amazing how sunshine can absolutely make or break my morning!

I needed the bright motivation today! I am over whelmed and an emotional mess!

Let me ask you a question, have you every said the phrase ” When things slow down I will have time to get everything I want to get done – done.”

Like phone calls, dinner with friends, a shower…whatever.

The last two years I have said this phrase twenty times. One crisis after another. No joke, not exaggerating!

Two years ago my father passed away and since it has not stopped.

Back track…10 days before his death, I bought and moved into my current home. With no furniture we invited friends and family back to my new home for a few days of Shiva’. Folding tables and chairs were provided by the funeral home.

Immediately after my dads funeral , I moved my mother into my new home -she was battling end stage cancer and for the most part she needed around the clock care. My parents did not live together and divorced when I was 27.

So, now my new home was stuffed with dads furniture, moms furniture and NONE of mine.  Thankfully , my daughter was remaining in our old house for the time being-so all my crap stayed with her.

Why was I moving, let me bring you up to speed. I was divorcing my third husband ( yup, sure was) third was the charm for me..it’s when I woke up and decided that I was more important. That my needs mattered and that I needed to change. Now, although I made mismatched choices in my partners, through my marriages I received the greatest gifts, my children.

I also believe that most things happen for a reason, and if you listen closely one day you will figure out the “why”.

My marriages, struggles, experiences provided me with insight to begin living for me. My needs don’t always come first, but my heart and soul are not compromised and I choose who, what & when I will help someone else – I may put my immediate needs aside, put being a helper soul , doing so fills my heart!

So, mom is all moved in June first 2016 and the journey begins. My 10 year old enjoyed his summer, his dad was living in North Carolina ( great job, gotta go kinda move) school started in September and between his schedule, moms schedule and my full time job , the phrase ” When things slow down I will have time to get everything I want to get done – done.” was said over and over again.

I got some vacations in with the kids and took a few deep breaths.

In June of 2017, I lost my job …killer , devastated, over whelmed and had no idea how I was going to manage. Hindsight, best thing that ever happened.

Great severance, unemployment kicked in and I got to spend time caring for my  kids, my mother & our new dog . I went down the shore, walked on the beach, visited family and continued to breath. I became a Certified Health & Wellness coach. I completed my Certification for Life Coaching , reinstated my real estate licence and cleaned houses for sport.

Than mom got sick, sicker than she had been. I am blessed to have been able to take care of her everyday right up to the end. It was in September 2017 ,  we were actually preparing for moms birthday celebration on October 6th, an ice cream extravaganza.  We were all excited and could not wait to celebrate another year.

September 27th, a Thursday. I had been up since Tuesday, mom couldn’t sleep, she was unable to hold down food and any that made it to her belly just kept going. I was exhausted. we both new what was next and I had to make the call. Hospice, we need help. Mom made it far, but this was beyond my scope of care giving.

On September 29th, at about 6 pm, she passed with her family and her friends surrounding her bedside, toasting her with a glass of white wine and a whole bunch of love. Devastating and exhausted we stayed until we could no longer occupy her room and went to eat at Iron Hill. I walked in with a blanket on and basically cried throughout the  halfheartedly attempt to ingest food. Our family was all together , but now parent-less.

And from that moment on I continued to say ” When things slow down I will have time to get everything I want to get done – done.”

Today, my home is filled with love, moms furniture, dad’s furniture and all of my furniture and crap from the house I finally sold. My daughter and her partner along with their beautiful baby boy fill my upstairs space, my oldest son created a space in the basement and my 13 year old had his room next to mine. It’s a mishmash of awesomeness, memories and experiences I wouldn’t get rid of for a million bucks.

I have started jobs and ended job in the last two years, I have made friends and lost friends. I have kept overly busy and continue to do for others…and I like that.

I have learned to say NO. I am still single and continue on my five year journey to learn about myself and grow within. Year for, maybe next year I will fall in love..LOL probably not!

PS.. there is so much more that went into the last two years..but I’ll save those conversations for another time! Love you all…me ( finally me)